Three noteworthy drubbings occurred in the Second Division. The Wasps strolled to a comfortable 3-0 victory at Cliftonhill. The Coatbridge Maracana – resembling little more than a run down Soviet-bloc arena that has seen European nights in the past, but is now barely keeping the doors open in the capitalist present – looks like it will play host to a shocking season.
The Wee Rovers are all about being hard to break down, but yesterday they were as easily digested as baby food in an infant gut. Martin “the Greek” Grehan gave Paul Hartley’s side an early lead, before two decisive digestive enzymes were provided by “Boaby” Thomson in the second half. Todd Lumsden’s miserable side have now failed to score in four competitive matches and it is hard to see when they ever will after another miserable showing.
The only consolation for the Wee Rovers is the presence of the Stena Sealink Works XI in the same division, which gives them some hope of not finishing bottom. Keith “the Postie” Knox led his grim cloggers on another long away day, hoping that somehow guts, determination and the jaggy elbows and Champions League simulation talent of Michael Moore might nick them a point. Alas! The “Postie” had reckoned without Uncle Fester’s side having a sunny-side-up rather than a sunny-side-down day. Gavin Swank-wank-wankie settled the Bridie nerves early on to drop an early depth charge on the “Postie’s” false hopes.
After half-time, the Stena sloop foundered badly and was sunk with the loss of all hands; “Foxy” Fotheringham enhancing his reputation as a flat-track bully, dominating a match that was already won including notching a commendable long-range meteorite for the Loons fourth and final goal. The miserable implosion of the Strair Park side leaves them in ninth, one point above the Wee Rovers – the much-anticipated festival of incompetence between the two diddies on 15 September in Coatbridge is already looking significant.
Stenny’s technologically literate hipster fanboys nearly melted Twitter down at full-time yesterday with hagiographic epithets as to the nature of John “The Beast” Gemmell’s performance at home to the Hedge Trimmers. Gemmell – a man who could cause a row in an abandoned nuclear shelter – has started the season lean and in top form. Once again, he demolished the hapless Village People for the second time in three weeks, the pick of his hat-trick being a seismic freekick in the closing stages.
It will be interesting to see for how long the notoriously combustible-and-quick-to-sulk striker can maintain this purple patch; if he can manage it for a whole season, then Stenny have a decent possibility to finish in the top four. As for the Trimmers, duffed up for their lunch money yet again, they will be relieved to see the back of their school bully for a while, until the Larbert “Flashman” turns up to flush their heads down the Glebe Park khazi sometime in late October.
Finally, Gordon Durie’s Methilated Spirits and the Doonhamers bored one another to unconsciousness in a goalless encounter of little consequence, whilst the Red Schichties turned over The Honest Men 4-2 at Gayfield, in another miserable day at work for Mark Roberts and his yet-to-gel side.