The SFL Week One Round-up

The Second Division results had a rather binary appearance – full of ones and zeros. The only exception was at Palmerston, were the Doonhamers saw off the Bridies 2-0 in a pretty unremarkable match. Uncle Fester’s travel-weary cloggers rarely threatened in a game the home side didn’t have to try very hard to win.

The Honest Men entertained Stenny at the tumbledown Somerset Park and may feel slightly lucky after emerging with a point.  It’s been a bumpy start for new manager Mark Roberts and the notoriously cantankerous and quick-tempered home fans were less than impressed with another hesitant and dysfunctional showing. David Winters’s first half strike was against the run of play, and a dominant second half showing from the Warriors saw a point rescued by Ross McMillan – the very least the Larbert Beetroot Stains merited.

Having been humiliated at Ochilview last week, the Hedge Trimmers were determined to make amends against Todd Lumsden’s Wee Rovers at the Glebe. Andy Jackson – a man with a face like undercooked Lorne sausage – got the only goal in a game high in lung-power and application, but low in entertainment. The threadbare Trimmers were bafflingly down to 12 fit players, while the early signs for the visitors from Coatbridge are a little worrying. They won’t concede many, but with John “The Beast” Gemmell and Robert “Boaby” Love having moved on in the summer, it’s hard to tell where the goals will come from.

The Wasps and Gordon Durie’s Methilated Spirits drew 1-1 at the Recs. An early guided missile fired by Darren McCormack sent the visitors into the lead at half time, and Paul Hartley’s vengeful beard littered his underperforming side with withering epithets at the interval. They came out in the second half in much better shape and Stephen Simmons equalised. The Wasps are taking a while to warm up, with many key players still missing, whereas the Methilated Spirits still look a bit light in terms of the depth of their squad.

Surprisingly, Keith “the Postie” Knox didn’t have another defeat to contend with yesterday. The ghastly Red Schichties made the near-infinite journey to Stair Park and would have been in confident mood. Alas! A rotten first half showing saw the alopecian misanthrope Michael Moore put the Stena Sealink Works XI in front with a clubbing whump from his gleaming pate. Sadly, if the Stena defence was a lawyer, it would try to defend you against a parking ticket and end up landing you in jail for three years. Laughably poor second half rearguard chaos, with Mick Dunlop responsible, allowed the equally misanthropic Darren Gribben – a man now with more clubs than an Inuit seal hunter – to wrestle a point away for the Maroon Malevolence.



In the past, your Uncle Partizan has been described as a "perverse old buzzard". When the mysterious misanthrope casts his beady eye across Scottish football, no-one is safe.

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