DERBY and almost-derby day dominated Saturday’s First Division card. At East End Park, a much-anticipated clash between the Pars and Turnbull Hutton’s Shock Troops took place, with predictions ahead of a tight game perhaps edging in favour of the Pratt Street Boys. Alas! Predicting the outcome of derby matches is like trying to predict the April weather in Scotland. In the end, the game turned on the face-like-a-burst-tattie “experience” of the glowering Jim Jeffries, who hoofed his way past Grant Murray’s undercooked tactical meringue.
A first half performance which was nothing less than fulsomely atrocious, saw the Kirkcaldy side two-down at half time. Despite a brief rally for 15 minutes or so after the break, they ended up subsiding 3-1. Having already comprehensively eviscerated the Miners, Fife bragging rights are firmly with the Townies in the first quarter of the season, despite their less-than-convincing displays in other matches.
Only those who spend their time in a parallel universe would have predicted anything other than a win for Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory XI in the baiting of Dumbo at Cappielow. Underwhelming though the Ton have been this season, the Sons are so dreadful they really couldn’t help but win. An Archie Campbell hat-trick – one from an extremely dubious penalty – was enough to take care of the fast-disintegrating Sons.
As yet another numbing shock of defeat spread across the Dumbarton central nervous system, various physicians surrounded the bedside, diagnosing a chronic lack of midfield, a severely compromised defence, and a lack of money as the major symptoms. There appears to be no known cure for these chronic ailments but suffice it to say, if Jim Lister is the treatment, then the original conditional must be pretty much incurable.
Plastic Whistle had tasted defeat for the first time this season in midweek against Hamilton Comicals, losing by a single goal at New Douglas Park in a League Cup tie. As luck would have it, the Harry Wraggs had the earliest opportunity of exacting a league revenge and took advantage fulsomely. Billy Reid, who was on many a losing afternoon at Firhill as a player for the squatting Bully Wee in the nineties, heard the tolling bell of doom begin to sound four minutes before half-time, and the roof came in after the break in a woeful 4-0 reverse. The Comicals have had one or two reasonable cup successes, but a dire start to the league campaign must be a severe concern.
The Fake Diamonds, meanwhile, have regressed badly in the last fortnight and were embarrassed in a 3-0 home defeat to the Miners, which could have been more had Marc McKenzie not missed a first half penalty. As it stood, the hyperactive little squirrel was able to complete the scoring as the Broomfield Fugazis imploded horrifically. After that chastening humiliation in the league curtain raiser against the Pars, the Miners have done extremely well and are now an unreal third place in the First Division table.
Oh, and the Franchise beat the Bairns 2-1 yesterday afternoon as “Elvis” Pressley’s side reverted to miserable type at the Grangemouth Empty Fridge Dome.